Tag: text post

Today was officially rest day for me. I got some stuff done around the house, and when Nik went to lift before fencing, I tagged along to do cardio.

At the gym, I tried a new machine that appears to be the unholy union of an elliptical and a stair master. I tried to keep my heart rate between 135-145. That was certainly a challenge. In 30 minutes, I think i logged about 3 miles.

After that I went to fencing. I was a little bit nervous, but I got to work with new people, and I did more actual fencing than I have in ages. I had a really good practice. I felt really healthy today.

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

The great blizzard has passed. The gym was open, so I went (in 20-degree weather) to the gym with Tiny Nick and Nik. Here’s my set list.

We’re back at it tomorrow. Slightly later in the day, if I have any say in it.

Friday morning I met my fellow gym rats for leg day. The set list is at the end of this post because Tumblr is dumb.

Friday afternoon/evening, Nik and I drove up to Perry, GA, for an SCA event, Meridies 40th Anniversary .

On Saturday we had an individual tourney and a melee tourney. I went 4 rounds in the individual tourney, and I don’t feel bad about my losses at all. My team won the melee.

On Sunday there were several tourneys: an armatura, two single-elims, and a bear pit (plus a championship among the highest-placing fencers in each tourney). I do notoriously poorly in bear pits (statistically), but I did good fencing. The armatura was pretty good, but I found that I had a target on me during a few rounds (that’s a good thing). I went one round in the single sword tournament and two in the sword & dagger tournament. Again, I feel good about my losses.

I also watched my students and my spouse clean house and represent our school wonderfully. It was just a fantastic weekend full of good fencing among friends.

After two days of fencing, we came home and fenced some more. No kidding.

Tomorrow we’ll be back at the gym bright and early.

Today was shoulder day. Here’s the set list.

After that I changed, did my make up (yeah, that’s right) and made it to class. It looks like I can make this work, especially if I don’t hear up too much during the workout. That means I need to get that cardio on the other days of the week and after class.

I’ve been having rough nights, mental health-wise. I think some of it is environmental, but I hope that the endorphins from working out make me less susceptible to outside stimuli bringing me down.

What It’s Really Like to Be a Heavy Woman at the Gym—and Why Losing Weight Isn’t My Goal

fitnesstechnerd:

[brightcove:4090853402001 default]

Before the confetti is even swept up and as hangovers are still being nursed, many of us solemnly resolve to do things differently in the new year—which often means spending more time at the gym. Trying anything new is intimidating, but when you walk through the world in a larger body, stepping out of your comfort zone can make you feel especially self-conscious.

That’s even more true at the gym, where plus-size people often face self-imposed shame about working out. The reality of gym culture is rarely one of self-acceptance; going to the gym implies a need to change.

RELATED: The 6 Biggest Mistakes Trainers See You Making at the Gym

Over the years, I’ve made what feels like a million promises to myself to get off the couch. When I do finally get in the groove of working up a sweat on a regular basis, it’s always great for me and I get easily addicted. But as I’ve gained weight and gotten older, I’ve found myself in a familiar shame spiral that prevents me from starting something new.

Like so many plus-size women, I convince myself that it somehow makes sense to lose weight and get in shape before I start working out. It’s like cleaning for the housekeeper (which for the record, I do not do). But I know I’m not alone in getting a familiar sinking feeling of entering a new exercise space, then feeling judged, or worse, pitied.

What ‘fit-shaming’ sounds like

When it first became trendy in New York, I did a lot of Bikram yoga. I fell in love with it. As with most of my obsessive phases, I eventually moved on. Years later—and considerably heavier—I dropped into a class. I hadn’t done any exercise in years and the heat really got to me, so I sat down during a standing pose to catch my breath.

RELATED: The 15 Best Body Positive Moments of 2017

The teacher asked if me if I was okay, but it was clear he was annoyed. At the end of class in front of everyone he said, “If you’re not able to stand for even one full class you should really see a doctor.” Ouch. The irony is that when I had been thinner I also had to sit down—and even left the room when I first started—but no one ever commented that there might be something wrong with me. Needless to say I was mortified and felt too ashamed to return.

During one particularly sedentary phase of my life, I talked to my therapist about how I really needed to start working out again. About a year before, I had done a series of cross-training sessions. Of all the workouts I’ve tried, it was the most effective for losing weight quickly. I told her how I was thinking of going back to it, how I knew I “should.”

She questioned why I ever left. I knew exactly why—I hated it! So she pushed me, asking why I would pay money (so much money) for something I hated and couldn’t sustain the last time in the hopes that I would lose weight. What kind of success model is that? Her words sunk in. I stopped thinking about working out in terms of weight loss and more about self-care.

Now one of my biggest frustrations is the immediate assumption that gym-goers are working out just to lose weight. People have a myriad of reasons for getting fit and strong, and it’s demeaning that the main way we measure success is by losing inches. Recently when discussing a workout, I actually had someone put her hand on my hip and say “you’ll get there.” The message I wanted to send was that I’m already there—that working out at all and participating in self care is an accomplishment.

RELATED: Challenge Yourself to Do 1 Killer Workout a Day in Our ‘5 Minutes to Fit’ Series

People often see me in workout clothes and tell me that they are so “proud of me,” and one woman cheerfully remarked, “You’re disappearing!” I understand that being thinner is the assumed goal. We congratulate each other on body alterations all the time, wanted or not. While we profess that women’s bodies are off limits to judgment (ha!), all any woman has to do is lose 10 pounds to know that her body is fair game to be discussed openly at cocktail parties and in conference rooms. 

Until recently, losing weight had always been my primary motivation for exercise, but my objective has shifted to trying to make peace with my body. Ironically, exercise has helped me achieve that more than it ever helped me to lose weight. Feeling stronger and setting physical goals—and then crushing them—has given me a new found confidence and respect for myself. 

The workout that helped me find body peace

When I was at my highest weight ever I discovered SoulCycle. I know people have their criticisms of this expensive workout, during which instructors shout out spiritual encouragement. But I connect to it in the most major way. I feel stronger and more fit than ever. People are so welcoming, and there is a real plus-size community of support. Never does an instructor spout encouragement that has anything to do with getting smaller. Most of the talk is pushing yourself to make goals happen off the bike. 

RELATED: 10 Fitness Influencers You Need to Follow on Snapchat

When I work out, I want people to look at me at my weight and think that if I can do it, they can too. One of the advantages to being older is that I can more easily check my ego at the door than I could 15 years ago. When I started spinning, it was back row only, and I sat down for most of the class. I don’t think I would have kept up with it if I hadn’t allowed myself to start so slowly. But pushing myself in class and ultimately sticking with it has brought success to my life off the bike.

How to love the gym no matter your size

If your resolution is to get more exercise, I applaud you, but consider doing it for reasons other than losing a few dress sizes. Try not to be intimidated at the gym and offer the same compassion to yourself as you would to a friend starting something new. Don’t be afraid to make modifications, and while you should give every new venture a chance, if you don’t love it, seek out an activity you do love. Find a place where you are supported and encouraged, and once you become a regular, pass that support onto someone else.


What It’s Really Like to Be a Heavy Woman at the Gym—and Why Losing Weight Isn’t My Goal

This morning I woke up bright and early and met Tiny Nick! and Emmers at the gym. Here’s what I lifted:

After that i had my first day of school for the new semester. That isn’t relevant to working out, but it’s a big deal to me. It looks like I can juggle working out, getting cleaned up, and making it to class on time. Let’s see if I can keep it up!

Today I didn’t feel like a competent human being because at lunchtime, I realized my pants were on backwards.

Despite that, I learned about the progression of skills when teaching rapier, and I found that learning, translating (for a leftie), and teaching sabre, while difficult, is not as scary as I thought.

Again, I took a lot of notes. Tonight was more revel and less scholarship, but that’s still pretty cool.