Yesterday I hit the gym. Here’s the set list.

In addition to what I wrote down, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical-stair climber hellspawn. I have no idea what that was supposed to be. Shoulder & chest day maybe?

Fencing was fencing. I worked with some new people, didn’t spar much. I keep tiring really quickly. I think I need to work out less during the 30 days.

Today I worked on projects around the house. I was really drowsy despite drinking more coffee than I probably should have. I didn’t leave my house except to check the mail.

I did 50 lunges. Nik heard me in the studio and did some timing and judgment games with me. They’re fun and challenging.

I still feel really down and unmotivated today. I was doing better, but now I’m not. Let’s see if tomorrow holds something better for me… If I can make something better of it.

Today, once again, I’m doing lunges for my daily fencing. I’m doing them at the last possible minute.

Practice at the park was cancelled because of the weather. I was relieved. I hope a little more time will help me get back out there.

I spent my day hanging around the house with two other fencers, but we were all unmotivated, and we never got it together to practice. We’re all disappoint that we’re stuck doing games, lunges, point work, or nothing today.

This has to get better.

Today Nik took some of our students to an event. I had an online class meeting this morning and didn’t want to miss, so I didn’t go to War College.

I weighed in this morning. I’m still sitting at 202 lbs, but I feel stronger, and I think my clothes are fitting a little better, so I’m not letting the number on the scale get me down. We’ll see what my fat percentage looks like in a week or two.

Since I couldn’t fence at the event today, I’m doing 100 lunges to get my practice in for the day. I’m not aiming for a particular target. This is about body mechanics. I want to make sure I’m following the sword into the lunge, and once I’m there, I’m checking the placement of my knee in relation to my toe.

Tomorrow is a regularly scheduled practice day at the park. I’m a little apprehensive about going. I don’t want to see the people who saw me break down last week. I don’t want my mental condition to overshadow my other characteristics. I know I’m the only one who sees it. That’s the great thing about having an invisible illness. Logically, you know other people can’t see it. But when it weighs on you like this, it’s all you see in the mirror. We’ll see how I’m doing tomorrow. All I can do for now is take things one day at a time.

This morning we did back & biceps, including a move that made me feel like Captain America (cable curl). Here’s my set list.

I skipped the last exercise (incline dumbbell curl) so that I could make it to class on time.

I’m doing pretty well, but I started to have a little freak-out today. I need to reevaluate my methods and my needs. Something needs to change.

Tomorrow is a rest day at the gym, but I’ll be back at fencing in the evening. Also, since Nik didn’t work out Monday, he plans to lift, so I may tag along and do some cardio.

This morning I hit the gym with Tiny Nick, Emmers, and one of our new fencers. We did chest & triceps today. Here’s the set list.

Our new fitness friend is used to playing team sports and is super encouraging. It’s pretty cool. I realized that I generally do individual sports in the vicinity of other people (fencing, swimming, etc.), so that was a nice change.

I also worked on some cardio between sets. I like the amount of time I spend at the gym and don’t want to spend an extra half hour on an elliptical, so between sets, I jogged in place, did box steps (since I’m too scared of jumping), and did some weighted walks.

My fitbit still isn’t acknowledging my physical activity, so I guess I’m still not doing enough cardio. I’m considering getting a second one that will measure my heart rate when I have a little more disposable income (maybe a Charge?). The one I have now (Flex 2) is swim proof, and that was a huge factor when I decided what I wanted. Now that I’ve had it for a year, I’m open to trying something new. Besides, I can always sync the one I have if I want to wear a fitness tracker in the water.

I wasn’t up for fencing practice tonight, so I didn’t go. Tomorrow I’ll work out again in the morning. On Wednesday, we start our 30 days of #fencingeverydamnday to gear up for Meridian Challenge of Arms. I’ll be ready then.

paultje-s:

fencingmarie:

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Thank you for being as brave as you are to tell this and be so open about it. I have a question, if I may. Should anybody recognise such a situation, what can they do to help the person having the problem? Is there a way to make things easier for them?

I accidentally answered this under a different handle, and that’s kind of confusing, so I’m reblogging now to clear things up.

@paultje-s that’s a great question. It definitely varies from person to person, but here’s what works for me: space and time. Get me away from people and let me think. Patience and water are good too. I tried not to chug the water, and I really thought about what I needed. The water gave me something to do with my hands besides press them onto my face. Find their Person (in this case it was my husband). Other than that, just ask what will help and wait.

Thank you for your comment. 🙂

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Yesterday was leg day. Here’s the set list.

We’re on track to begin our next cycle in the program tomorrow.

Today was the shire birthday party. We had our annual shire championship. I made it through two rounds in the round robin, and then I had a panic attack. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to unpack about this. It warrants its own post.

Tomorrow is chest day. My regular crew of gym rats will be there plus one. I’m excited.

Today was shoulder day. Here’s the set list.

After that I changed, did my make up (yeah, that’s right) and made it to class. It looks like I can make this work, especially if I don’t hear up too much during the workout. That means I need to get that cardio on the other days of the week and after class.

I’ve been having rough nights, mental health-wise. I think some of it is environmental, but I hope that the endorphins from working out make me less susceptible to outside stimuli bringing me down.

Mental Health and Training

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to post this or if I wanted to post it at all, but today I’d like to talk a little bit about how my mental health (specifically depression) affects my training. I figure someone out there is likely dealing with the same types of issues.

I’ll start off with some background information about me.

From time to time, I find myself (mentally) in what I call the Dark Place. I like this metaphor because when I picture it, the darkness isn’t absolute. Near the edges, it’s a little bit dim, but I can find my way back. The further in I go, the darker it is, the harder it is to get back out. It’s also appropriate because my intermittent depression seems to be directly linked to lack of sun exposure (seasonal affective disorder – SAD)

If that’s the case, then why am I presenting as SAD in the summer? I think right now part of my issue is that I work in an office with no windows (as many people do), and I’m very isolated at work (this will change as the semester kicks into gear).

What does this have to do with fighting/fitness?

When you’re depressed, you aren’t just sad all the time. I like to look at the word itself: depress. I feel like something is pressing down on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I sleep more, and my appetite is strange (no appetite, huge appetite, selective appetite – all over the course of a day or two). I’m sure you could see how those factors alone could hinder someone’s ability and desire to work out.

The biggest factor for me, though, is just not caring. Don’t mistake this for the not caring that I do on a regular basis: not caring what strangers think of my appearance, not caring if I get to the party on time, etc. This is not caring in a way that would be alarming if you had the inclination to care. For example, I love fencing. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love doing it, reading about it, watching videos, talking about it, teaching it. I often refer to it as “my heart.” When you’re depressed though, when something is pressing down on you from all sides, you don’t care about your hobbies any more. If eating three squares and getting a good amount of sleep is a chore, then getting up, driving to a specified location at a specified time, gearing up, and practicing for an hour or two sounds impossible.

So what are we to do?

This is the hard part. If I had one perfect answer, I wouldn’t really have this problem anymore. Instead, I have a bunch of okay answers.

talk about it – You’d be surprised how many people are going through this same thing. It’s one reason why I’m sharing my experience. Frequently, talking about it helps both sides; don’t assume you’re burdening someone else. If you have the means, seek professional help. They really do know what they’re doing, and they can give you objective insight.
take breaks – Usually I say that the day that I don’t want to practice is the day I really need to go to practice. Sometimes, though, you’re better off resting. I wouldn’t fence on a sprained ankle, so I’m not going to push my brain too hard either. Know your limits.
self-care – This is super important, but it can easily be mistaken for “cheering yourself up.” Try to do three things each day that make you happy. I’m not talking about big crazy plans here. I’m talking about lighting a candle you really like, taking a long bath, eating something you enjoy, or watching an episode of your favorite show.
treat yourself kindly – Don’t think of being in the Dark Place or skipping practice as a failure. That will only make you feel worse. Every time I find myself genuinely thinking something disparaging about myself, I counter it with one good thing. It’s hard to avoid intrusive thoughts, but replacing them with something else is easier.
make a schedule – If your eating and sleeping are erratic, set a time to eat, even if you aren’t hungry. No matter what you’re training to do, eat something that appeals to you. You need calories to fuel your body. Even if you can’t sleep, set a time to rest. You might luck out and catch some zzz’s, and if you don’t, that’s okay because you’re still letting your body recharge a little.
don’t be afraid to be sad – Think of your feelings like an interesting rock. You can pick it up, turn it over in your hands a few times, examine it. You can spend a lot of time looking at this rock, running your fingers over the cracks. But at the end of the day, it’s just a rock, and you have enough stuff collecting dust at your house. When you’re finished with it, put it down and keep walking.
don’t forget that feeling something (even if it’s bad) is progress – The worst thing for me about the Dark Place is the numbness. I haven’t cried since I started feeling this way. It’ll come eventually (possibly intensely and for a long period of time), and when it does, that will be a step in the right direction.
use media to your advantage – Okay, so I can’t cry over my own situation. However, I’m pretty sure I can cry over someone else’s. Tonight I’m going to watch a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and have strong feelings about other people’s problems even though I can’t be bothered to care about my own. That’s what media is for. Enjoy your books, shows, movies, memes, whatever. Experience them. That’s why they’re there.

I didn’t mean for this to be so long, but I’ve been kicking a lot of this around in my head, and I really didn’t want to leave anything out. I’m sure I left plenty of stuff out, so if you have any questions, comments, or additional good words, please let me know!

*Special thanks to my student, who helped me fill in some gaps.*