Tag: mental health

This semester’s #30daysoffencing is going rough. I’m dealing with some depression stuff, and this week, just in time for my birthday, I’m sick.

I had to miss a Krav seminar. I’m sleeping all the time, and I got winded putting on pants. I’m trying to rest up for Serfo (and my birthday do-over) next weekend.

Regarding my mental health, I’ve seen a shrink, and she intends to prescribe Wellbutrin for the depression and an as-needed anxiety medicine that I can’t remember the name of. I had my blood work done Thursday, so I should be able to get my prescriptions soon. I’m looking forward to enjoying my hobbies again.

Looking back further, Gatalop was fun. I did good fencing and enjoyed the melees. I talked to a Master of Defense about some of the hurdles I’m overcoming and how to work on that.

Fencing has been challenging for me lately. I don’t know if it feels like a chore because I’m trying to grind through 30 days straight or if it’s a symptom of my disease or what. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I feel like after Serfo and Castle Wars, I may need to take a step back (temporarily).

Today I went to the gym, but I was super tired and kind of in the dark place. I got on the elliptical, but I got frustrated immediately. My music wasn’t playing, and I just was not feeling it. Instead of getting into another downward spiral, I ditched the elliptical and walked the track. I got my music to work, and I was able to chat with my friends.

I don’t feel like I’m really working out like I should be, but at least I’m making it to the gym at all. At the end of the day, I walked over 5 miles. Cardio is cardio, and I’ll call it a good day.

The day after my return to the gym, I did cardio but didn’t have time for much else. Here are my set lists for the following days.

There was a hurricane last week, and the karate studio was closed for Labor Day, so my routine was off. I went to fencing Monday (since the college was open) and Wednesday.

The gym was closed Tuesday for the storm. Nik didn’t feel well on Thursday, so we declared a rest day.

I was exhausted on Friday, so I slept through the gym and fencing practice, but Nik went.

On Saturday I got back into the gym. I had a panic attack on the elliptical, so I left early. I finished my run but didn’t lift. This is the second one in just a couple weeks, so I’m going to the community clinic tomorrow to look into treatment. I can’t keep having panic attacks when I try to do what I love.

Today I got back for real after working on longsword. We ran through some drills and did free fencing. It was the most fun cardio I could have done.

Hiatus = over

Aside from a few stray Krav Maga classes and my walks on the beach, I didn’t work out all summer.

Today I went back to the gym. Here’s the set list.

I also competed in a fencing tournament last weekend. I didn’t win any tournaments, and I had a panic attack after lunch, but I got back into the ring and finished strong. I did good fighting, and I was proud to watch my kids do good fighting.

Depending on my insurance situation in the upcoming months, I’m going to look into seeking formal treatment for my anxiety. It’s keeping me from doing the things that I love (things that keep me from being depressed), and my little tricks aren’t cutting it anymore.

All in all, though, I’m feeling pretty good. I think that being active and eating well will help. I’ll just need that extra nudge to be my best self.

Last weekend was the Weekend of Tactical Decision Making in Atlanta. Nik was invited to teach on Sunday, do we traveled up for that. I wanted to go for more days, but we couldn’t work out transportation.

His class was really good, and it felt good to have a sword in my hand again. After lunch we had free time. I sparred a little bit, but I was having a rough time. I wasn’t necessarily doing poorly, but I didn’t feel in my element, and I kept crying for no reason. It really cramped my style.

I’m back home now. I went to Krav this evening. I had intended to teach defense against chokes from an angle, but we had a lot of new faces, so Eddie took lead. Plus I was late, so he already had the class warming up when I got there. I’m glad we followed his vision tonight. The class had a great energy.

I’ve made arrangements to fence on Wednesdays, and this will be my first practice in months. I’m looking forward to being there.

CIC 2 Day 4

Today I was a little listless, a little unprepared. However, I made it through most of the day without using my inhaler (more on this in a bit, but I’ve been using it preemptively once or twice daily), and I felt pretty good about the techniques we trained.

The class that I taught went pretty well, but I was out of my comfort zone. I’ve been teaching techniques on how to deal with a situation in multiple steps (defending against a front choke or defending against someone covering your mouth with both hands). Today I focused my lesson on straight punches. There’s actually a lot to cover with a simple technique, and it was a challenge to break down something simple and cover the material in a dynamic way.

At the end of class, we did a drill called EVA. We were given two lists of numbers: 150, 120, 90, 60, 30; and 50, 40, 30, 20, 10. The first column was jumping jacks, and the second was situps. This exercise is timed. I got partway through the list and had an asthma and/or panic attack. I’ve never experienced this in my life. I was wheezing, but I was keeping up, but then it was harder and harder to breathe. I eventually bailed out to get my inhaler and jumped back in, but I didn’t get any better. My classmates were trying to cheer me on, but then I started to tear up, so I got worse. I did a half of the third set (45 jumping jacks and 15 situps – she told me to cut the sets first) before the instructor pulled me. One of my classmates had some canned oxygen, and that helped. I was super embarrassed. Everyone was super nice and supportive, but I still cried a little bit (during the exercise and when she pulled me but not after we left). Apparently, at CIC, Day 4 is when I cry.

That being said, if last year is any indication, I will come back tomorrow stronger, and even though the work will be hard, I will get through it.

Today we had a guest from out of town come to the park for fencing practice. Nik and I hosted him. He’s a lot of fun and a skilled fencer.

Today was my first fencing practice at the park since the panic attack. I only fenced one person, but I did good fencing and had a good time. I got to do I.33, which is my favorite.

Yesterday my cardio consisted of a walk on the beach. While Nik was working, I went to the pier and back. Walking on sand really tested my calves. It wasn’t a particularly nice day, but I did get some photos.

Today all the walking I did was inside the grocery store. I mostly focused on sewing. I’m still not particularly motivated to work out. I know motivation is shit and won’t get you anywhere, but I have other things to do that I’m enthusiastic about (or at least deadlines that I’m enthusiastic about).

I lied in my last (real) entry. I went to Krav by myself that day. We talked out the lesson plan for the weekend seminar. Since attendance looked like it might be low, I bowed out. Now I’m working out when I can do regular classes on a weekly basis. It’s kind of a drive, but I need the practice – both doing and teaching.

I spent last weekend at the Renaissance Faire with the fencing club. I did lots of walking around and two fencing demos per day.

I didn’t go to fencing or Krav this week. I’m preparing for Gulf Wars, mostly making clothes for my students. We leave early Wednesday morning.

My spring break has started (as of the end of my office hours at noon on Thursday), but I feel like I don’t have any time off. I’m taking a break tomorrow to go to the beach. It’s too cold to swim, but I’m looking forward to having a nice walk and enjoying some time in the sun.

I get a great sense of accomplishment from doing these projects. They do bring me joy, but I’m also getting tired. Between sewing and school, I’ve felt like I’m just re-doing the same projects. It’s discouraging. It helps when I see a nice (finished) piece of garb that I’ve made.

I’m looking forward to War, but I’m also looking forward to the time after that when I can focus on Krav and school.