Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Since my last post ran long talking about my beach adventure, I figured I’d put my real update here.

On Friday night i went to UWF fencing practice. We mostly sparred since Fridays are short days. I’m fencing with both hands now, but I’ve been using a lighter (and shorter) sword in my right hand more often than not. The finger is still stiff, and I’m still doing my stretches and exercises four times each day, but I am seeing progress.

On Saturday I went back to the beach. Because of the beach restoration efforts, my walk to the pier was cut short, and I didn’t really have a good space for beach yoga. I did get to pick up some neat shells, and I saw a bunch of seagulls chilling out in the hard hat area because there weren’t a bunch of people in their way. That was pretty cool. I did get back in the water, and I swam around for a good portion of the day. After that, I borrowed Nik’s phone and played Pokemon Go a little bit on the island. The poke-stops were a reasonable distance apart, and I managed to catch some pretty cool creatures.

I did not attempt to have fencing practice on Sunday because the forecast was so bad, and I also really needed to do some sewing. I finished NIk’s shirt in its entirety and the base of his pants. His doublet is still mocking me. I will still be naked for the ceremony. Fortunately we’re taking a little trip to see the lady making his court garb, so I’ll have plenty of time to work plus some skilled hands I can borrow if I get stuck.

Last night I went to Krav. There were new people, so I was helping one of them – a young man in his teens. He was pretty chill, but he admitted that he shouldn’t have eaten so close to class and had to have a little break at one point. I told him there was no shame in that – I fart loudly in class all the time. It’s just life. Anyway, he recovered, and I think he made some progress and had a good time. After the new students left, the P3 students (man, that’s exciting to say) worked on stationary kicks. I’m actually fairly good at these, so while I drilled this skill a lot last night, I didn’t have the frustration of constantly correcting.

I did, in fact, make it to UWF fencing on Friday, but that’s not the most interesting thing that happened to me that day. I went to the beach on Friday morning – my last Friday before going back to the five-day work week – and played around in the surf a bit. The dunes are being restored, and there was a storm rolling in, so the geography of the beach was unusual, and the surf was a little rough. It was a solid yellow flag day – nothing I haven’t been in before.

I had just decided to come back in to shore when I saw a brother and sister (I think) in their early twenties or so coming back to shore as well. She got out of the water without incident, but it looked like he was struggling a little bit, so I went back in. We both had boogie boards, and the waves were getting bigger and bigger, so I when I got to where he was (where we could both touch the ground if there wasn’t a wave coming), I told him to jump right before the next big wave. This part actually worked pretty well. The next part did not.

I made a rough landing in what turned out to be the edge of the “soup.” If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I’ll do my best to explain. In short, it’s the opposite of where you want to be. It’s that area where all the waves break. On Friday, those waves were breaking frequently, and they were big. I was crouched low, but the wave coming my way would have been taller than my height even if I’d been standing up (I”m 5′4″), and there was no way I could get away in time. All I had time to do was curse under my breath and turtle up.

This strategy actually worked pretty well. I credit the swearing for most of my success. I was dragged along the bottom of the gulf (fortunately toward shore), and I had a moment between waves to take a breath and make sure I still had my bathing suit before the next wave came. This next one dragged me even closer to shore, but this time I was able to stand. I even managed to keep all the pieces of my bathing suit (though that second wave was really fresh).

Fortunately, my boogie board was tethered to my wrist, so I didn’t lose it, and the young man managed to get back to his family on shore (possibly with less incident than I did since he didn’t have to waste time covering his decency). At that point I gave everyone the thumbs up and retreated to the bar. I was unscathed except for a skinned knee.

Everything after that is fairly mundane.

Mental Health and Training

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to post this or if I wanted to post it at all, but today I’d like to talk a little bit about how my mental health (specifically depression) affects my training. I figure someone out there is likely dealing with the same types of issues.

I’ll start off with some background information about me.

From time to time, I find myself (mentally) in what I call the Dark Place. I like this metaphor because when I picture it, the darkness isn’t absolute. Near the edges, it’s a little bit dim, but I can find my way back. The further in I go, the darker it is, the harder it is to get back out. It’s also appropriate because my intermittent depression seems to be directly linked to lack of sun exposure (seasonal affective disorder – SAD)

If that’s the case, then why am I presenting as SAD in the summer? I think right now part of my issue is that I work in an office with no windows (as many people do), and I’m very isolated at work (this will change as the semester kicks into gear).

What does this have to do with fighting/fitness?

When you’re depressed, you aren’t just sad all the time. I like to look at the word itself: depress. I feel like something is pressing down on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I sleep more, and my appetite is strange (no appetite, huge appetite, selective appetite – all over the course of a day or two). I’m sure you could see how those factors alone could hinder someone’s ability and desire to work out.

The biggest factor for me, though, is just not caring. Don’t mistake this for the not caring that I do on a regular basis: not caring what strangers think of my appearance, not caring if I get to the party on time, etc. This is not caring in a way that would be alarming if you had the inclination to care. For example, I love fencing. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love doing it, reading about it, watching videos, talking about it, teaching it. I often refer to it as “my heart.” When you’re depressed though, when something is pressing down on you from all sides, you don’t care about your hobbies any more. If eating three squares and getting a good amount of sleep is a chore, then getting up, driving to a specified location at a specified time, gearing up, and practicing for an hour or two sounds impossible.

So what are we to do?

This is the hard part. If I had one perfect answer, I wouldn’t really have this problem anymore. Instead, I have a bunch of okay answers.

talk about it – You’d be surprised how many people are going through this same thing. It’s one reason why I’m sharing my experience. Frequently, talking about it helps both sides; don’t assume you’re burdening someone else. If you have the means, seek professional help. They really do know what they’re doing, and they can give you objective insight.
take breaks – Usually I say that the day that I don’t want to practice is the day I really need to go to practice. Sometimes, though, you’re better off resting. I wouldn’t fence on a sprained ankle, so I’m not going to push my brain too hard either. Know your limits.
self-care – This is super important, but it can easily be mistaken for “cheering yourself up.” Try to do three things each day that make you happy. I’m not talking about big crazy plans here. I’m talking about lighting a candle you really like, taking a long bath, eating something you enjoy, or watching an episode of your favorite show.
treat yourself kindly – Don’t think of being in the Dark Place or skipping practice as a failure. That will only make you feel worse. Every time I find myself genuinely thinking something disparaging about myself, I counter it with one good thing. It’s hard to avoid intrusive thoughts, but replacing them with something else is easier.
make a schedule – If your eating and sleeping are erratic, set a time to eat, even if you aren’t hungry. No matter what you’re training to do, eat something that appeals to you. You need calories to fuel your body. Even if you can’t sleep, set a time to rest. You might luck out and catch some zzz’s, and if you don’t, that’s okay because you’re still letting your body recharge a little.
don’t be afraid to be sad – Think of your feelings like an interesting rock. You can pick it up, turn it over in your hands a few times, examine it. You can spend a lot of time looking at this rock, running your fingers over the cracks. But at the end of the day, it’s just a rock, and you have enough stuff collecting dust at your house. When you’re finished with it, put it down and keep walking.
don’t forget that feeling something (even if it’s bad) is progress – The worst thing for me about the Dark Place is the numbness. I haven’t cried since I started feeling this way. It’ll come eventually (possibly intensely and for a long period of time), and when it does, that will be a step in the right direction.
use media to your advantage – Okay, so I can’t cry over my own situation. However, I’m pretty sure I can cry over someone else’s. Tonight I’m going to watch a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and have strong feelings about other people’s problems even though I can’t be bothered to care about my own. That’s what media is for. Enjoy your books, shows, movies, memes, whatever. Experience them. That’s why they’re there.

I didn’t mean for this to be so long, but I’ve been kicking a lot of this around in my head, and I really didn’t want to leave anything out. I’m sure I left plenty of stuff out, so if you have any questions, comments, or additional good words, please let me know!

*Special thanks to my student, who helped me fill in some gaps.*

Holy cow it’s been wild.

Monday March 17 was my last night at Krav before I left for War. I led the class’s stretching, so that was pretty cool. I don’t remember exactly what we covered, and I’ve missed three days of class, so tomorrow will be one hell of a night.

Nik and I left for Gulf Wars Tuesday after work (so I skipped yoga). We set up the tent and visited with friends that night.

On Wednesday, Nik got up and mustered for the armored ravine battle. I volunteered to be a water bearer so that I could be near the action. After that, we mustered for the rapier field battle. Our army is small, but we held off the other side as long as we could – they had to send wave after wave of reinforcements to deal with us. I was especially proud of my fencers – my sub-unit consisted of six fencers, four of whom had never been in a big melee before. They did me proud.

On Thursday I attended my first Meridian Order of the Blade meeting. I was elected chairperson and am looking forward to filling this new role. I went to muster and walked down to the town battle, but it was canceled because of the weather. Nik tried to minimize the wetness in our leaky tent, and we hung out with friends until court. Court went well until the storm hit. I learned a new term: microburst. Apparently a microburst is “a small downdraft that moves in a way opposite of a tornado.” The wind was moving in a single direction, and it was gusting, not constant. I helped people get inside, and once I had done so, I made sure that my little SCA family was safe. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was pretty scary. I’m glad there was a permanent structure were people could take shelter, and we’re fortunate that there were no serious injuries. Our tent was undamaged but absolutely drenched inside, so we had a sleepover in Mikolaj’s RV – high and dry!

All activities for Friday were cancelled, so we spent the day packing up. We had planned to pack and leave on Saturday, but we went ahead and got our act together Friday instead since we had another trip looming ahead of us. While we were doing so, Her Majesty stopped by to check on our camp and see how everyone was doing. While she was there, she told Nik that if court had not been cut short, he would have received his writ to join the Order of Defense. It’s still official, even though it was issued privately. We have a LOT of work to do to prepare!

Now we’re caught up to Sunday, March 20. After spending two days washing and drying clothes, cleaning the rugs, and otherwise doing damage control, we packed up and got back into the car to head north. It had been awhile since I’d seen my family, and Nik had never met them at all, so we were overdue for a trip. We visited my aunts in Clarskburg, MD. Unfortunately I was too wiped to get Nik to fencing practice while we were there, but I promised we’d come back up and fight some Marylanders. We didn’t have an opportunity to practice while we were in Media, but we did do a demonstration.

See, my grandparents had never seen me fence, so I told my grandmother that we would bring our gear so that she and my grandfather could see. I told her that if any of their friends wanted to see, we could work that out – I was picturing a couple of passes in the courtyard or something. I should have known better! My grandmother contacted the activities director and secured some time in the auditorium for us. We saw flyers posted in the mail room and heard announcements in the dining hall! We had a decent turnout, and Nik and I talk about fencing with some regularity, so we had a presentation ready to go. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and my family managed to get some good pictures too. The retirement community even gave us an honorarium, so now Nik and I are professional fencing lecturers.

We got in last night and are getting settled today. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so we wanted to have a day to get re-oriented before getting back to the daily grind. In addition to rejoining our humdrum professional lives, Nik and I are getting back into our healthy habits. I’m looking forward to getting back to the activity level where I was in January. I feel like I’m full of energy that’s just bursting to get out. I want to harness that and take my fight to the next level.

Anyway, I’m back in town and will stay here for… oh, I don’t know… five days? However, when I come back from that trip, we are taking a much needed BREAK.

This week has been wild. I hardly even know where to start.

I guess I’ll start with skipping practice on Monday. I hate skipping practice, but my finger really hurt from being in the splint, so I took the splint off, took my pain meds, and rested.

On Tuesday I thought I’d get back into things slowly with yoga, but yoga was cancelled when the campus closed because of inclement weather. A storm system with a lot of tornadoes was headed our way. One of those tornadoes touched down in my neighborhood. I lost power for about 36 hours, but my neighbors weren’t so lucky. I am grateful for my life, my loved ones, my pets, and my home.

On Wednesday morning I saw the orthopedist. He confirmed that the finger is not broken, told me I didn’t have to wear the splint anymore (yay!), and cleared me to fence with caution (double yay!). I’m buddy taping most of the time and slowly and carefully working and massaging the finger to get my range of motion back. I still have trouble picking things up, and I swear everything around me wants to bump into it, but I’m seeing some definite progress.

I went to UWF fencing on Wednesday night and practiced left handed (and took a hot shower). When we went to bed that night, we had no idea how our weekend would go. Fortunately life got back to normal on Thursday, so Nik was able to pack us up on Friday, and we headed up to Atlanta that night.

We woke up bright and early on Saturday for Meridian Challenge of Arms (MCA). This was the first ever MCA, and the turnout was fantastic (over 60 fencers!). Before the fencing started, my longtime friend and mentor took me on as a formal student under the new rapier peerage. Then the real fun began! I signed up for every tournament, and I fought all day with my left hand (with my finger back in the splint and refused as much as possible to protect it). I had some really awesome fights. Then I had some fights that I lost and just couldn’t figure out how. Then I had some more good fights. Then I had a few more not-so-good ones. It was an erratic day, and at times it was frustrating, especially since I had trouble looking back and figuring out what went wrong (more on that in a couple of paragraphs).

That evening at court, however, one of my dreams came true. I don’t care if it sounds cheesy – it happened. I was induced into the Meridian Order of the Blade.

If you aren’t familiar with the SCA and its awards, the MOB is “an armigerous [meaning it bears heraldic arms] polling order given in recognition of excellence in skill, instruction, leadership, and service to the sport of rapier, the rapier community, and the Kingdom.” In other words, a bunch of people I really respect voted and decided that I am on their level. I’ve aspired to this honor since I heard about it because I wanted to be part of that group of elite fencers. They recognized me and welcomed me as one of their own last night, and I’m just floored.

Today I have felt every movement I’ve made with my left arm. I try to condition both sides, but I used those muscles in a way they haven’t ever been used. I think I was having a decent amount of fatigue, but I was so hyped I didn’t recognize what it was. I’m home now, though, so I see a bath with Epsom salts in my future.

Tomorrow I should be back to my normal routine. Thanks for staying patient, and I’ll try not to be such a slouch about updating (no promises until after War).