Because of the holiday and a pretty nasty dry head cold, I haven’t been fighting much lately. The last time I fenced was Sunday. I had the chance to do some pick-ups and study some melee techniques. It was a nice, low pressure environment, but I still did good fencing and was in a good head space.

My Krav class isn’t officially meeting this month, but I expect I’ll get together with some of my classmates off the books for some extra practice. I’m nervous about my P2 test, so I’ll be studying as hard as I can.

Oh, and I signed up to run a 5K next weekend. With obstacles. And zombies. It’ll be fun and a huge challenge. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Last night’s practice was much better than Monday’s. I still made mistakes, but they were the kind that I could see and fix. When I left class last night, I realized that this is the best I’ve felt in a couple of weeks. I’m finding my way out of the Dark Place. It’s a slow process, but I’ll see some changes in my fight and in my desire to practice, and that’s good enough for me. My class is taking an official break for the month of June, but some of us will still meet informally during that time. My plan is to keep doing Krav on Wednesdays but take advantage of having Mondays off by going to fencing.

This weekend is Art/Sci/Crown. I’m looking forward to seeing my SCA friends this weekend and possibly having some guests come to UWF fencing practice on Friday.

Yesterday in Krav we reviewed P2 skills – both the old P2s and the folks who just passed their P1 test on Saturday. I’m super stoked for them.

I’m making a bunch of tiny mistakes that I can’t see. I’m feeling down this week, so it’s weighing on me more than it normally would. It was a tough practice in the wrong ways. I need to get out of this rut.

I’m hoping yoga today will help get me on the right track.

Mental Health and Training

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to post this or if I wanted to post it at all, but today I’d like to talk a little bit about how my mental health (specifically depression) affects my training. I figure someone out there is likely dealing with the same types of issues.

I’ll start off with some background information about me.

From time to time, I find myself (mentally) in what I call the Dark Place. I like this metaphor because when I picture it, the darkness isn’t absolute. Near the edges, it’s a little bit dim, but I can find my way back. The further in I go, the darker it is, the harder it is to get back out. It’s also appropriate because my intermittent depression seems to be directly linked to lack of sun exposure (seasonal affective disorder – SAD)

If that’s the case, then why am I presenting as SAD in the summer? I think right now part of my issue is that I work in an office with no windows (as many people do), and I’m very isolated at work (this will change as the semester kicks into gear).

What does this have to do with fighting/fitness?

When you’re depressed, you aren’t just sad all the time. I like to look at the word itself: depress. I feel like something is pressing down on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I sleep more, and my appetite is strange (no appetite, huge appetite, selective appetite – all over the course of a day or two). I’m sure you could see how those factors alone could hinder someone’s ability and desire to work out.

The biggest factor for me, though, is just not caring. Don’t mistake this for the not caring that I do on a regular basis: not caring what strangers think of my appearance, not caring if I get to the party on time, etc. This is not caring in a way that would be alarming if you had the inclination to care. For example, I love fencing. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love doing it, reading about it, watching videos, talking about it, teaching it. I often refer to it as “my heart.” When you’re depressed though, when something is pressing down on you from all sides, you don’t care about your hobbies any more. If eating three squares and getting a good amount of sleep is a chore, then getting up, driving to a specified location at a specified time, gearing up, and practicing for an hour or two sounds impossible.

So what are we to do?

This is the hard part. If I had one perfect answer, I wouldn’t really have this problem anymore. Instead, I have a bunch of okay answers.

talk about it – You’d be surprised how many people are going through this same thing. It’s one reason why I’m sharing my experience. Frequently, talking about it helps both sides; don’t assume you’re burdening someone else. If you have the means, seek professional help. They really do know what they’re doing, and they can give you objective insight.
take breaks – Usually I say that the day that I don’t want to practice is the day I really need to go to practice. Sometimes, though, you’re better off resting. I wouldn’t fence on a sprained ankle, so I’m not going to push my brain too hard either. Know your limits.
self-care – This is super important, but it can easily be mistaken for “cheering yourself up.” Try to do three things each day that make you happy. I’m not talking about big crazy plans here. I’m talking about lighting a candle you really like, taking a long bath, eating something you enjoy, or watching an episode of your favorite show.
treat yourself kindly – Don’t think of being in the Dark Place or skipping practice as a failure. That will only make you feel worse. Every time I find myself genuinely thinking something disparaging about myself, I counter it with one good thing. It’s hard to avoid intrusive thoughts, but replacing them with something else is easier.
make a schedule – If your eating and sleeping are erratic, set a time to eat, even if you aren’t hungry. No matter what you’re training to do, eat something that appeals to you. You need calories to fuel your body. Even if you can’t sleep, set a time to rest. You might luck out and catch some zzz’s, and if you don’t, that’s okay because you’re still letting your body recharge a little.
don’t be afraid to be sad – Think of your feelings like an interesting rock. You can pick it up, turn it over in your hands a few times, examine it. You can spend a lot of time looking at this rock, running your fingers over the cracks. But at the end of the day, it’s just a rock, and you have enough stuff collecting dust at your house. When you’re finished with it, put it down and keep walking.
don’t forget that feeling something (even if it’s bad) is progress – The worst thing for me about the Dark Place is the numbness. I haven’t cried since I started feeling this way. It’ll come eventually (possibly intensely and for a long period of time), and when it does, that will be a step in the right direction.
use media to your advantage – Okay, so I can’t cry over my own situation. However, I’m pretty sure I can cry over someone else’s. Tonight I’m going to watch a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and have strong feelings about other people’s problems even though I can’t be bothered to care about my own. That’s what media is for. Enjoy your books, shows, movies, memes, whatever. Experience them. That’s why they’re there.

I didn’t mean for this to be so long, but I’ve been kicking a lot of this around in my head, and I really didn’t want to leave anything out. I’m sure I left plenty of stuff out, so if you have any questions, comments, or additional good words, please let me know!

*Special thanks to my student, who helped me fill in some gaps.*

On Monday and Wednesday we reviewed more P1 stuff. I have a chance to practice some more tonight, but I think I’m going to pass and get some rest today. Never underestimate the power of taking it easy sometimes. It’s essential for training.

On Tuesday I was the only one at yoga, so the instructor made up some flow as we went. It was a lot of fun, and even though it was challenging, it was still accessible. I walked out of class feeling like I’d made some big improvements, and I have some tips for improving my flexibility at home. My hamstrings are usually very tight, so these stretches should help me across the board in my activities.

On Wednesday, I helped the P1 group. I realized I’d forgotten a lot of terminology, so I was glad I had the practice.

I got to go to UWF fencing on Friday night. I worked with some new fencers and did some bouts with Nik and one of our older students.

Today I went to the park for SCA practice. Instead of rapier, I did a lot of cut and thrust (specifically MS I.33). That’s something else I haven’t been studying as well as I should! Nik and I worked with someone who has been doing rapier and armored combat for awhile but is new to CT. He’s a lefty and primarily and armored fighter, so I learned a lot from him.

I’m in kind of a slump, and I don’t really feel like going to practice, but doing CT seemed to help me a little bit. I love fencing, so this is really frustrating for me.

Does anyone else deal with occasionally having trouble gearing up to participate in your hobbies?

Last night at Krav we practiced break falls (forward and backward) and rolls (forward and backward). I had to take blood pressure breaks between sets, but I understand the techniques. I need to remember to turn my head to the side during the break fall and also to roll diagonally instead of across my spine.

The warm-up was extra fun. Our instructors had pairs of partners work on upper body strikes and defenses while loosely tied together with a big belt-like apparatus. My partner and I tend to fight a little closer than the belt wanted us to be, but it was still a neat challenge.

I had a migraine after class. I don’t know why that happened, but I’m trying to drink lots of water and take it easy today.

I had a fantastic weekend!

On Friday, I went to a local elementary school with my local SCA group and showed kids some rapier fighting and rapier gear. We demoed for seven classes, and each one was a little different and liked different things.

After that i hustled across the street to the high school, where I helped my Krav school’s Relay for Life team. We put on a demonstration, and I also walked and ran some laps.

The rest of the weekend I hung out with my mom – no fighting. I had Nik take over at the park for me on Sunday. I’m glad to be back doing what I love.

Last week Krav was great on Monday and Wednesday, and yoga was a nice stretch break in between. I was studying hard, going to Ladies’ Night to study, doing my thing.

Friday rolled around, and I came home from work and crashed out. I missed the last UWF fencing day of the semester. I woke up Saturday to find that I was very very sick, so I cancelled SCA fencing on Sunday (I was sick enough that I didn’t want to be left alone, so Nik couldn’t fill in for me). I ended up missing work (and, by extension, Krav) on Monday.

I went to yoga yesterday to ease back into activity and because i was so stiff from lying around all weekend. I’m wicked sore today. I honestly doubt it’s from yoga since we did literally the most minimal form you could do short of yoga nidra. I’m suspicious of the uphill trek to my office at that campus.

Regardless of the cause, I figure I shouldn’t go to Krav tonight, not even to watch. It kills me, but my test date has been pushed back, and I’d rather have some gas in my metaphorical tank for the demo on Friday.

Rehab is still happening. I’m noticing some improvement in my range of motion but haven’t tried holding a sword, striking an object, or anything of that nature. I’m optimistic.

True to my word, I was back at work on Wednesday, but I didn’t go to Krav, and Ladies’ Night was cancelled. I was wrestling with whether or not to go to fencing on Friday when Nik reminded me that we were foregoing practice for the sport club banquet.

I made it to fencing on Sunday! It was nice to move around and fight for the first time in ages. There’s a new guy in town who has done rapier before and just authorized with us. I also talked to a gal who is interested in taking up the hobby, but I got pulled away and didn’t get a chance to fill her in on any more details, so I hope she comes back.

Tonight I go back to Krav, but I’m going to try to take it easy. I still have a bit of a cough from the sinus stuff that came with the ear infection, so I’m not looking forward to running around, but I am excited to go back because…

…I need to start cramming for my P2 test next month! I’m super stoked and a little bit nervous. I’m sure I’ll be ready when the big day comes. In the meantime,I’m trying to remember what everything is called so that I can be a good partner as well as get my hand rehabbed so that I can use it.

I started therapy last week, and I have exercises I’m supposed to do on the finger every day. Range of motion is improving, but it’s still painful. It’s coming along. We’ll see where I am in four week!