Mental Health and Training

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to post this or if I wanted to post it at all, but today I’d like to talk a little bit about how my mental health (specifically depression) affects my training. I figure someone out there is likely dealing with the same types of issues.

I’ll start off with some background information about me.

From time to time, I find myself (mentally) in what I call the Dark Place. I like this metaphor because when I picture it, the darkness isn’t absolute. Near the edges, it’s a little bit dim, but I can find my way back. The further in I go, the darker it is, the harder it is to get back out. It’s also appropriate because my intermittent depression seems to be directly linked to lack of sun exposure (seasonal affective disorder – SAD)

If that’s the case, then why am I presenting as SAD in the summer? I think right now part of my issue is that I work in an office with no windows (as many people do), and I’m very isolated at work (this will change as the semester kicks into gear).

What does this have to do with fighting/fitness?

When you’re depressed, you aren’t just sad all the time. I like to look at the word itself: depress. I feel like something is pressing down on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I sleep more, and my appetite is strange (no appetite, huge appetite, selective appetite – all over the course of a day or two). I’m sure you could see how those factors alone could hinder someone’s ability and desire to work out.

The biggest factor for me, though, is just not caring. Don’t mistake this for the not caring that I do on a regular basis: not caring what strangers think of my appearance, not caring if I get to the party on time, etc. This is not caring in a way that would be alarming if you had the inclination to care. For example, I love fencing. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love doing it, reading about it, watching videos, talking about it, teaching it. I often refer to it as “my heart.” When you’re depressed though, when something is pressing down on you from all sides, you don’t care about your hobbies any more. If eating three squares and getting a good amount of sleep is a chore, then getting up, driving to a specified location at a specified time, gearing up, and practicing for an hour or two sounds impossible.

So what are we to do?

This is the hard part. If I had one perfect answer, I wouldn’t really have this problem anymore. Instead, I have a bunch of okay answers.

talk about it – You’d be surprised how many people are going through this same thing. It’s one reason why I’m sharing my experience. Frequently, talking about it helps both sides; don’t assume you’re burdening someone else. If you have the means, seek professional help. They really do know what they’re doing, and they can give you objective insight.
take breaks – Usually I say that the day that I don’t want to practice is the day I really need to go to practice. Sometimes, though, you’re better off resting. I wouldn’t fence on a sprained ankle, so I’m not going to push my brain too hard either. Know your limits.
self-care – This is super important, but it can easily be mistaken for “cheering yourself up.” Try to do three things each day that make you happy. I’m not talking about big crazy plans here. I’m talking about lighting a candle you really like, taking a long bath, eating something you enjoy, or watching an episode of your favorite show.
treat yourself kindly – Don’t think of being in the Dark Place or skipping practice as a failure. That will only make you feel worse. Every time I find myself genuinely thinking something disparaging about myself, I counter it with one good thing. It’s hard to avoid intrusive thoughts, but replacing them with something else is easier.
make a schedule – If your eating and sleeping are erratic, set a time to eat, even if you aren’t hungry. No matter what you’re training to do, eat something that appeals to you. You need calories to fuel your body. Even if you can’t sleep, set a time to rest. You might luck out and catch some zzz’s, and if you don’t, that’s okay because you’re still letting your body recharge a little.
don’t be afraid to be sad – Think of your feelings like an interesting rock. You can pick it up, turn it over in your hands a few times, examine it. You can spend a lot of time looking at this rock, running your fingers over the cracks. But at the end of the day, it’s just a rock, and you have enough stuff collecting dust at your house. When you’re finished with it, put it down and keep walking.
don’t forget that feeling something (even if it’s bad) is progress – The worst thing for me about the Dark Place is the numbness. I haven’t cried since I started feeling this way. It’ll come eventually (possibly intensely and for a long period of time), and when it does, that will be a step in the right direction.
use media to your advantage – Okay, so I can’t cry over my own situation. However, I’m pretty sure I can cry over someone else’s. Tonight I’m going to watch a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and have strong feelings about other people’s problems even though I can’t be bothered to care about my own. That’s what media is for. Enjoy your books, shows, movies, memes, whatever. Experience them. That’s why they’re there.

I didn’t mean for this to be so long, but I’ve been kicking a lot of this around in my head, and I really didn’t want to leave anything out. I’m sure I left plenty of stuff out, so if you have any questions, comments, or additional good words, please let me know!

*Special thanks to my student, who helped me fill in some gaps.*

On Wednesday, I helped the P1 group. I realized I’d forgotten a lot of terminology, so I was glad I had the practice.

I got to go to UWF fencing on Friday night. I worked with some new fencers and did some bouts with Nik and one of our older students.

Today I went to the park for SCA practice. Instead of rapier, I did a lot of cut and thrust (specifically MS I.33). That’s something else I haven’t been studying as well as I should! Nik and I worked with someone who has been doing rapier and armored combat for awhile but is new to CT. He’s a lefty and primarily and armored fighter, so I learned a lot from him.

I’m in kind of a slump, and I don’t really feel like going to practice, but doing CT seemed to help me a little bit. I love fencing, so this is really frustrating for me.

Does anyone else deal with occasionally having trouble gearing up to participate in your hobbies?

I had a fantastic weekend!

On Friday, I went to a local elementary school with my local SCA group and showed kids some rapier fighting and rapier gear. We demoed for seven classes, and each one was a little different and liked different things.

After that i hustled across the street to the high school, where I helped my Krav school’s Relay for Life team. We put on a demonstration, and I also walked and ran some laps.

The rest of the weekend I hung out with my mom – no fighting. I had Nik take over at the park for me on Sunday. I’m glad to be back doing what I love.

Last week Krav was great on Monday and Wednesday, and yoga was a nice stretch break in between. I was studying hard, going to Ladies’ Night to study, doing my thing.

Friday rolled around, and I came home from work and crashed out. I missed the last UWF fencing day of the semester. I woke up Saturday to find that I was very very sick, so I cancelled SCA fencing on Sunday (I was sick enough that I didn’t want to be left alone, so Nik couldn’t fill in for me). I ended up missing work (and, by extension, Krav) on Monday.

I went to yoga yesterday to ease back into activity and because i was so stiff from lying around all weekend. I’m wicked sore today. I honestly doubt it’s from yoga since we did literally the most minimal form you could do short of yoga nidra. I’m suspicious of the uphill trek to my office at that campus.

Regardless of the cause, I figure I shouldn’t go to Krav tonight, not even to watch. It kills me, but my test date has been pushed back, and I’d rather have some gas in my metaphorical tank for the demo on Friday.

Rehab is still happening. I’m noticing some improvement in my range of motion but haven’t tried holding a sword, striking an object, or anything of that nature. I’m optimistic.

True to my word, I was back at work on Wednesday, but I didn’t go to Krav, and Ladies’ Night was cancelled. I was wrestling with whether or not to go to fencing on Friday when Nik reminded me that we were foregoing practice for the sport club banquet.

I made it to fencing on Sunday! It was nice to move around and fight for the first time in ages. There’s a new guy in town who has done rapier before and just authorized with us. I also talked to a gal who is interested in taking up the hobby, but I got pulled away and didn’t get a chance to fill her in on any more details, so I hope she comes back.

Tonight I go back to Krav, but I’m going to try to take it easy. I still have a bit of a cough from the sinus stuff that came with the ear infection, so I’m not looking forward to running around, but I am excited to go back because…

…I need to start cramming for my P2 test next month! I’m super stoked and a little bit nervous. I’m sure I’ll be ready when the big day comes. In the meantime,I’m trying to remember what everything is called so that I can be a good partner as well as get my hand rehabbed so that I can use it.

I started therapy last week, and I have exercises I’m supposed to do on the finger every day. Range of motion is improving, but it’s still painful. It’s coming along. We’ll see where I am in four week!

I missed fencing practice on Sunday and Krav last night because I’m nursing a middle ear infection. I am not a happy camper, but I am improving. I should be back at work tomorrow, but I probably should lay off the fighting until next week.

Krav on Wednesday went well. If I’m not mistaken, we’ve covered all of P2 now.

We spend Ladies’ Night working on Relay for Life stuff, fencing practice was cancelled Friday, and I was too sick to go to fencing on Sunday. At least I got to prop myself up in a lawn chair and be sick outside on such a beautiful day. It looks like i’m too sick to fight tonight too.

I am grumpy.

I do have some good news, though. I don’t need to have surgery on the finger. I have a bone bruise, and I start occupational therapy at the end of this week.

Wednesday night in Krav we worked on some kick defenses. Those were pretty cool. I have no idea how my training partner ended up with a bruise on her upper arm, but it was an evening well-spent nonetheless.

On Thursday I missed ladies’ night so that Nik and I could hunt for fabric for his elevation. We came back empty-handed, but we did spend a nice evening together.

We went to UWF practice on Friday night. It was just us and Quinn, so we just played King of the Hill for awhile and called it a night. We also did some knife fighting, just for fun. Nik and I compared notes on knife fighting, me from Krav Maga and him from historical texts. It was pretty dynamic.

I spent Saturday at the beach dressed like a mermaid and rolling around in the surf because I can.

Sunday was SCA fencing practice. We’re in the midst of planning an event, and I got stressed out and frustrated at one point, but Nik and I fenced it out, and I think I’ll make it. It was our first practice coming back from Gulf Wars, and we have a new person showing interest, so that’s cool.

Last night we did a different set of kick defenses in Krav. I’m going to need help keeping the names straight so that I don’t do the wrong thing during testing.

This morning I woke up bright and early and went in for an MRI on that injured finger. I’m a little over 6 months past the injury, and my range of motion isn’t getting better. I’ll follow up with the ortho on Friday. I’m hoping for good news – proceed with PT. Friendly readers, keep your fingers crossed because I sure can’t do it.

Krav on Wednesday was a review class. I noticed that there are a few techniques that I understand in my head, but my body isn’t doing them properly. It would have been a good idea to review those concepts in detail on Thursday, but I didn’t go. My best friend wanted to hang out, and I hadn’t seen her in awhile (the first thing she asked me was “What did you do to your hand?”), so I figured I could skip one.

I had my follow-up appointment with the ortho on Friday afternoon. I need to have an MRI done to check for scar tissue. If everything is okay in there, it’s time for “aggressive physical therapy.” I’m ready to not be hurt anymore.

I was sore from my exam, so even though I went to an SCA event on Saturday, I didn’t fight. It was nice to see my friends though, and I got some business done, so I think it was time well spent.

Sunday was my first beach trip of the new year! That isn’t really fitness related unless you count my walks, but I’m super stoked to be back on the sand.

Last night in Krav we worked on backwards rolls and putting together combinations. I had a really good night, even though I did jam my finger a couple of times. I’m still trying to work out exactly how much tape I need when I’m training. I wear buddy tape during the day, and I have some on my gloves. However, I didn’t wear my gloves to do rolls, so maybe I would have been better off keeping the tape on from the day. Then agian, when we worked on combos, I did end up needing the gloves. Maybe I could do the Miochael Jackson thing and just wear one glove… Any thoughts?

Holy cow it’s been wild.

Monday March 17 was my last night at Krav before I left for War. I led the class’s stretching, so that was pretty cool. I don’t remember exactly what we covered, and I’ve missed three days of class, so tomorrow will be one hell of a night.

Nik and I left for Gulf Wars Tuesday after work (so I skipped yoga). We set up the tent and visited with friends that night.

On Wednesday, Nik got up and mustered for the armored ravine battle. I volunteered to be a water bearer so that I could be near the action. After that, we mustered for the rapier field battle. Our army is small, but we held off the other side as long as we could – they had to send wave after wave of reinforcements to deal with us. I was especially proud of my fencers – my sub-unit consisted of six fencers, four of whom had never been in a big melee before. They did me proud.

On Thursday I attended my first Meridian Order of the Blade meeting. I was elected chairperson and am looking forward to filling this new role. I went to muster and walked down to the town battle, but it was canceled because of the weather. Nik tried to minimize the wetness in our leaky tent, and we hung out with friends until court. Court went well until the storm hit. I learned a new term: microburst. Apparently a microburst is “a small downdraft that moves in a way opposite of a tornado.” The wind was moving in a single direction, and it was gusting, not constant. I helped people get inside, and once I had done so, I made sure that my little SCA family was safe. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was pretty scary. I’m glad there was a permanent structure were people could take shelter, and we’re fortunate that there were no serious injuries. Our tent was undamaged but absolutely drenched inside, so we had a sleepover in Mikolaj’s RV – high and dry!

All activities for Friday were cancelled, so we spent the day packing up. We had planned to pack and leave on Saturday, but we went ahead and got our act together Friday instead since we had another trip looming ahead of us. While we were doing so, Her Majesty stopped by to check on our camp and see how everyone was doing. While she was there, she told Nik that if court had not been cut short, he would have received his writ to join the Order of Defense. It’s still official, even though it was issued privately. We have a LOT of work to do to prepare!

Now we’re caught up to Sunday, March 20. After spending two days washing and drying clothes, cleaning the rugs, and otherwise doing damage control, we packed up and got back into the car to head north. It had been awhile since I’d seen my family, and Nik had never met them at all, so we were overdue for a trip. We visited my aunts in Clarskburg, MD. Unfortunately I was too wiped to get Nik to fencing practice while we were there, but I promised we’d come back up and fight some Marylanders. We didn’t have an opportunity to practice while we were in Media, but we did do a demonstration.

See, my grandparents had never seen me fence, so I told my grandmother that we would bring our gear so that she and my grandfather could see. I told her that if any of their friends wanted to see, we could work that out – I was picturing a couple of passes in the courtyard or something. I should have known better! My grandmother contacted the activities director and secured some time in the auditorium for us. We saw flyers posted in the mail room and heard announcements in the dining hall! We had a decent turnout, and Nik and I talk about fencing with some regularity, so we had a presentation ready to go. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and my family managed to get some good pictures too. The retirement community even gave us an honorarium, so now Nik and I are professional fencing lecturers.

We got in last night and are getting settled today. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so we wanted to have a day to get re-oriented before getting back to the daily grind. In addition to rejoining our humdrum professional lives, Nik and I are getting back into our healthy habits. I’m looking forward to getting back to the activity level where I was in January. I feel like I’m full of energy that’s just bursting to get out. I want to harness that and take my fight to the next level.

Anyway, I’m back in town and will stay here for… oh, I don’t know… five days? However, when I come back from that trip, we are taking a much needed BREAK.