This semester’s #30daysoffencing is going rough. I’m dealing with some depression stuff, and this week, just in time for my birthday, I’m sick.

I had to miss a Krav seminar. I’m sleeping all the time, and I got winded putting on pants. I’m trying to rest up for Serfo (and my birthday do-over) next weekend.

Regarding my mental health, I’ve seen a shrink, and she intends to prescribe Wellbutrin for the depression and an as-needed anxiety medicine that I can’t remember the name of. I had my blood work done Thursday, so I should be able to get my prescriptions soon. I’m looking forward to enjoying my hobbies again.

Looking back further, Gatalop was fun. I did good fencing and enjoyed the melees. I talked to a Master of Defense about some of the hurdles I’m overcoming and how to work on that.

Fencing has been challenging for me lately. I don’t know if it feels like a chore because I’m trying to grind through 30 days straight or if it’s a symptom of my disease or what. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I feel like after Serfo and Castle Wars, I may need to take a step back (temporarily).

I’ve been diligently going to the gym. Last week I had a lazy Saturday but felt pretty good about it. Other than that, though, this has been my motto.

Monday ended up being a rest day. I went to Krav, but no students came, so Mike and I made plans for this weekend’s seminar instead of working out. I didn’t have time to work out when I got back to Pensacola.

The rest of the week, though, I at least walked the track. One day I did elliptical and then walked to cool down.

I discovered that the fraternities play volleyball some nights, and if I walk the track, I can see the game. Last night I tried something new: I walked the track when I could see the game, and I ran in the places where I couldn’t see the game. It was comfortable interval training.

Tonight is fencing. Nik is away, so I said I’d take lead in his absence. I’m looking forward to integrating some conditioning into my lesson plan. I may or may not go early to get some gym time in; it depends on my energy level. I haven’t been sleeping well at night lately, so I nap a lot – I sleep frequently but for small amounts of time. It’s inconvenient, but I’m managing.

Hiatus = over

Aside from a few stray Krav Maga classes and my walks on the beach, I didn’t work out all summer.

Today I went back to the gym. Here’s the set list.

I also competed in a fencing tournament last weekend. I didn’t win any tournaments, and I had a panic attack after lunch, but I got back into the ring and finished strong. I did good fighting, and I was proud to watch my kids do good fighting.

Depending on my insurance situation in the upcoming months, I’m going to look into seeking formal treatment for my anxiety. It’s keeping me from doing the things that I love (things that keep me from being depressed), and my little tricks aren’t cutting it anymore.

All in all, though, I’m feeling pretty good. I think that being active and eating well will help. I’ll just need that extra nudge to be my best self.

Today Nik took some of our students to an event. I had an online class meeting this morning and didn’t want to miss, so I didn’t go to War College.

I weighed in this morning. I’m still sitting at 202 lbs, but I feel stronger, and I think my clothes are fitting a little better, so I’m not letting the number on the scale get me down. We’ll see what my fat percentage looks like in a week or two.

Since I couldn’t fence at the event today, I’m doing 100 lunges to get my practice in for the day. I’m not aiming for a particular target. This is about body mechanics. I want to make sure I’m following the sword into the lunge, and once I’m there, I’m checking the placement of my knee in relation to my toe.

Tomorrow is a regularly scheduled practice day at the park. I’m a little apprehensive about going. I don’t want to see the people who saw me break down last week. I don’t want my mental condition to overshadow my other characteristics. I know I’m the only one who sees it. That’s the great thing about having an invisible illness. Logically, you know other people can’t see it. But when it weighs on you like this, it’s all you see in the mirror. We’ll see how I’m doing tomorrow. All I can do for now is take things one day at a time.

This morning we did back & biceps, including a move that made me feel like Captain America (cable curl). Here’s my set list.

I skipped the last exercise (incline dumbbell curl) so that I could make it to class on time.

I’m doing pretty well, but I started to have a little freak-out today. I need to reevaluate my methods and my needs. Something needs to change.

Tomorrow is a rest day at the gym, but I’ll be back at fencing in the evening. Also, since Nik didn’t work out Monday, he plans to lift, so I may tag along and do some cardio.

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Yesterday was leg day. Here’s the set list.

We’re on track to begin our next cycle in the program tomorrow.

Today was the shire birthday party. We had our annual shire championship. I made it through two rounds in the round robin, and then I had a panic attack. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to unpack about this. It warrants its own post.

Tomorrow is chest day. My regular crew of gym rats will be there plus one. I’m excited.