Today was officially rest day for me. I got some stuff done around the house, and when Nik went to lift before fencing, I tagged along to do cardio.

At the gym, I tried a new machine that appears to be the unholy union of an elliptical and a stair master. I tried to keep my heart rate between 135-145. That was certainly a challenge. In 30 minutes, I think i logged about 3 miles.

After that I went to fencing. I was a little bit nervous, but I got to work with new people, and I did more actual fencing than I have in ages. I had a really good practice. I felt really healthy today.

This morning we did back & biceps, including a move that made me feel like Captain America (cable curl). Here’s my set list.

I skipped the last exercise (incline dumbbell curl) so that I could make it to class on time.

I’m doing pretty well, but I started to have a little freak-out today. I need to reevaluate my methods and my needs. Something needs to change.

Tomorrow is a rest day at the gym, but I’ll be back at fencing in the evening. Also, since Nik didn’t work out Monday, he plans to lift, so I may tag along and do some cardio.

This morning I hit the gym with Tiny Nick, Emmers, and one of our new fencers. We did chest & triceps today. Here’s the set list.

Our new fitness friend is used to playing team sports and is super encouraging. It’s pretty cool. I realized that I generally do individual sports in the vicinity of other people (fencing, swimming, etc.), so that was a nice change.

I also worked on some cardio between sets. I like the amount of time I spend at the gym and don’t want to spend an extra half hour on an elliptical, so between sets, I jogged in place, did box steps (since I’m too scared of jumping), and did some weighted walks.

My fitbit still isn’t acknowledging my physical activity, so I guess I’m still not doing enough cardio. I’m considering getting a second one that will measure my heart rate when I have a little more disposable income (maybe a Charge?). The one I have now (Flex 2) is swim proof, and that was a huge factor when I decided what I wanted. Now that I’ve had it for a year, I’m open to trying something new. Besides, I can always sync the one I have if I want to wear a fitness tracker in the water.

I wasn’t up for fencing practice tonight, so I didn’t go. Tomorrow I’ll work out again in the morning. On Wednesday, we start our 30 days of #fencingeverydamnday to gear up for Meridian Challenge of Arms. I’ll be ready then.

paultje-s:

fencingmarie:

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Thank you for being as brave as you are to tell this and be so open about it. I have a question, if I may. Should anybody recognise such a situation, what can they do to help the person having the problem? Is there a way to make things easier for them?

I accidentally answered this under a different handle, and that’s kind of confusing, so I’m reblogging now to clear things up.

@paultje-s that’s a great question. It definitely varies from person to person, but here’s what works for me: space and time. Get me away from people and let me think. Patience and water are good too. I tried not to chug the water, and I really thought about what I needed. The water gave me something to do with my hands besides press them onto my face. Find their Person (in this case it was my husband). Other than that, just ask what will help and wait.

Thank you for your comment. 🙂

Today I dropped out of a tournament because of my mental health.

Today I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to put on my garb. I didn’t want to leave the house. Usually those are the days when I just need to push through. If I can just get out of the house, things will get better.

I got into the car with my husband and my friend. I told myself, “Fencing at the park with friends is fun.”

I got to the park and saw some of my friends. I made some new friends. …and I was completely overwhelmed. I tried to stay on the perimeter – near enough but not in the middle of the activity. Things weren’t quite going the way I wanted, but I was still going to have a good day.

Except I wasn’t having a good day. I wasn’t as patient as usual. I wasn’t as friendly as usual. I was uncomfortable in my skin and wanted to just get through what we had planned so that I could go home.

One of the good things about fencing is the mask. You put it on, and you don’t have to manage your face, just for a little while. You put on your mask, and the time to talk is over. It’s time to fence. My mask smelled like dust – either from last week’s event or from the park.

When I didn’t have my mask on, though, it felt like my attention was constantly being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t get into my head space. I couldn’t get away from the activity. I could never truly find quiet.

But then I asked for a hand with a fairly simple task, and no one heard me. Or maybe each person there thought someone else would help. I don’t know. All I know is that in that moment, I needed help, and it was the first moment that I wasn’t surrounded by people.

I didn’t comport myself well at that point. I tried to reel it back in, and then the marshal called my name. It was my turn to fence. I froze. He offered to do the next pairing first. I nodded.

I closed my eyes. I thought that if I just kept my eyes closed, it wouldn’t come out, but it didn’t work. I was crying next to the fighting field. I couldn’t stop it.

My husband collected me and took me away from the crowd. The unfortunate thing about having an anxiety attack at a fencing event is the armor. I couldn’t get out of my gloves. I couldn’t get out of my gorget. My husband couldn’t kiss my forehead because of the bar grill on his helm (that part kind of helped, actually – it was funny).

So at this point I was in a pickle. I needed to withdraw from my tournament. Nik needed to withdraw from his tournament, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. We needed a new marshal for rapier activities. My gear needed to end up in the car. I did not want to show my face, but I also couldn’t disappear. I just wanted to go home.

I was embarrassed.

I was worried people would think I was upset because of my tournament losses.

I didn’t want to scare away new people.

I have never seen a fencer of my rank lose her shit in the middle of an event.

I felt responsible for the members of my household and wanted to reassure them that I was okay even though I was not okay.

One of my lovely friends gave me some water. My husband helped me get back to the field. I mustered the strength to gather my gear, let people know I was bowing out and why, and make it to the car so that I could cry a little more in peace. Everyone was helpful and accepting. I didn’t owe anyone anything.

Still, in a way, having an anxiety attack is like peeing your pants. Everyone piddles, but when you do it in front of your friends, things get weird. It’s hard to see yourself as the rock, the steady influence, when you’ve been overwhelmed in such a public way.

So what happened next? I had Nik drive me home. I changed into comfortable clothes and looked at memes on my phone. I tried to rest, but I needed to cry some more. I took a bath with a bath bomb. I changed into even comfier clothes. I slept like a log, and my cats checked in on me. I ate comfort food for dinner. It felt good to be in my space and control my surroundings.

I’m okay. I’m exhausted, but I’m okay. Tomorrow I’ll go back to fencing practice and try again, or maybe I won’t. If I don’t feel up to it, I can go back another day.

Yesterday was leg day. Here’s the set list.

We’re on track to begin our next cycle in the program tomorrow.

Today was the shire birthday party. We had our annual shire championship. I made it through two rounds in the round robin, and then I had a panic attack. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to unpack about this. It warrants its own post.

Tomorrow is chest day. My regular crew of gym rats will be there plus one. I’m excited.

This morning Tiny Nick and I were at our own at the gym. We had shoulder day. Here’s the set list.

Tomorrow we wrap the week one day late.

This evening we had fencing. After a warm-up, we had open floor time. Somehow I still didn’t fence a lot. I’m trying to figure out what i need to adjust to get more fencing time. I don’t know if my students expect me to approach them or if they think I’m busy. Next week I’m going to try to make it super clear that I am available to fence.